My good sis once told me that I am a creator and when I’m not creating, I’m not living right (or something along those lines). I find it so contradictory that I have a blog because most of the time I feel like I don’t want to let people in, that it isn’t safe. But sometimes, I want (more like need) to pour out how I feel because I know that’s my only effective way of relieving myself of some of this weight.
Do you ever feel like everything is against you? Life, in general, seems to be on the winning team and I’m the loser. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, every-ally I feel beat down. It’s such a weird and shit space to be in and when all the odds are against you genuinely start thinking, ‘WTH did I do to deserve ALL of this?’
I’m at a point where I feel like nothing is coming into fruition in my life; so much I want to do but so much I have no control over. When I see quotes like ‘Your limitations are self-implicated’, I just get upset because I wish!! If it was all me then one of these days, I would have slapped myself up and the thousands of ‘I’ve been there before’ motivational speeches would have worked on me, no?
Every day is a battle, so every day I fight. And I’m not looking for pity, I’m looking for people to be more considerate. Not everyone has an easy ride with one hiccup along the way or a fairly bumpy but manageable ride. Some people have it WAY more complicated. It sucks, every day I’m asking why me, but then I think who else should it be because I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Many people have told me it will all make sense one day, so I await that day not-so-patiently. I'm always saying I don't have the energy, and people may think it's a figure of speech but I actually don't have the energy for so many things; things I supposedly love even. It’s draining, but with the faith of a mustard seed, you can move mountains? So, I’m hopeful.