“If anyone ever tries these stupid things with you hmu ”, a direct message in response to one of my tweets expressing my exhaustion about sexual assault. With all the uproar on social media about the constant assault and rape of women, girls and babies, my friend tried to assure me that he’d be there for me if I was ever mistreated in such a way. I responded, “Oh, they’ve already tried lol”, the shock he expressed, shocked me; I thought we all knew it was quite a regular occurrence with little to no consequences.
These past weeks, social media has been quite daunting; one injustice after the other. Aside racist acts of murder, sexual assault and rape have become an everyday topic. Every time I log on to Twitter and I see a story about such sexual injustices, my stomach clenches. These acts are so derogatory and invasive, I will never understand how one can know a person does not consent to sexual activity or intercourse and violate them anyway.
I think what hurts more is seeing or hearing people invalidate a victim’s trauma, especially because it is known how difficult it is for women to speak up on such experiences. Bad enough that such offences can hardly be proven after a few days (unless there was a witness or some sort of surveillance), but after they’ve gathered the courage to speak up on it, they are met with all sorts of slander. You would think that most people would have a somewhat similar notion for what’s right and wrong, until you see some of the disgusting and dismissive comments made about it; you would think they would be more sensitive and intelligent.
Society continues to water-down sexual offences, so much that most people can’t bring themselves to admit that what happened to them was rape or sexual assault. Victims are often in denial about the sexual injustices against them because there’s always someone ready to invalidate them; be it their own families, friends, strangers and institutions/organisations supposed to support them. If it’s not, “where’s your proof”, it’s “men get raped too”, “but you know some women lie”; anything to dilute her point. Victims are continuously ridiculed and shamed when they finally come out, even by fellow women who have accepted sexual assault as a norm and those who have been lucky to not have experienced it: thinking that their upbringing, their behaviour, their personality, their appearance, is what saves them from it, but they’ve just been lucky. According to UN Women, at least 35% of women, 7 in 20, are physically and or sexually assaulted, and 20%, 1 in 5 are raped; that’s disregarding the significant number of unreported cases. If you don’t believe me, Google it. Sexual injustices happen in families, relationships, marriages, at the park, on the bus, at midday, in the open; everywhere.
Some victims are persuaded not to talk about it, because of the “shame” it brings them, their families and their communities. People are worried more about public opinion than the impact the abuse will have on the victim. I never once understood why something that happened to someone was supposed to bring shame upon them, not empathy. Others’ response to a victim is to blame: “why was she there”, “she should have dressed appropriately”, “what’s a decent girl doing at this time of the night”, amongst many others. Aside this ignoring the fact that women can be raped and sexually assaulted wearing anything at any given place or time, it implies that these people believe that all men have no self-control and deserve to be caged and out of the way of women; because that’s what you do to beings that can’t be tamed, right?
“He knew I didn’t want it”, “I told him I didn’t want to, but he did it anyway”, “He wasn’t going to stop, so I just gave in”: the all too familiar words of victims. I know many people that have been victims of rape and other sexual injustices. Things that happen to you, do subconsciously have an impact on you as you morph into your future self; the effects can be very long-lasting. I can’t tell you how many times I have been groped on a night out, I got so used to it I wouldn’t even react when it happened because I would never find the culprit: it’s not that no one saw it, no one wanted to get involved; no one ever wants to get involved.
Growing up, it always seemed like everyone worried more about girls getting involved in sexual activities than they worried about boys. Boys were just told to use protection, but most girls were told not to indulge, as if it were some sort of taboo. Considering about 10% of the male population are gay, who were the rest expected to lay with? In some scenarios, when a male and female get involved sexually, the woman is shamed but often the man is praised. All these push the narrative that men can enjoy sex, but women can’t: that women are at the disposal of men for their sexual needs. Women are not mere objects for sexual pleasure,that they should be ridiculed when they do it, likewise, men shouldn’t be praised for having sex as it is not an accomplishment.
I know men get sexually assaulted and raped too, I can never dismiss that. Nonetheless, that shouldn’t be used as a counter-statement; we should be on the same side. Men can’t speak up on their own experiences because of fear of ridicule or being seen as “less of a man”; toxic masculinity doesn’t only affect women, it is a problem for all of us. It’s almost as if men should be able to take anything. I know a few men who were sexually abused when they were younger but wear it as a badge of honour; sex is not an accomplishment, especially not when it was forced on you at a young age. You do not have to be ashamed about it, but you certainly shouldn’t be proud that it happened to you. One person who sexually assaulted me, tried to explain to me how sex was nothing, and that he was raped by his sister’s friend when he was 11…
As a people, we need to make changes to our outlook on life. We need to normalise talking about things that have happened to us and seeking appropriate counsel and justice. Taking someone’s life or possessions is deemed as wrong and punishable: women have rights to their own bodies, and someone taking that without their consent is wrong and should be punished, why is that so difficult to understand? The more you enable their behaviour, the worse and more uncontrollable they get. The people you shield when accused, are the same people your loved ones: your family, friends, your children, your siblings will be exposed to.
For all those who have been victims of sexual assault or rape, those who have spoken up and those who are yet to be heard, those who were murdered after and those who are too afraid to speak, those that are ashamed and even those who ended it all because they couldn't live with themselves anymore: I am so sorry it happened to you, it was of no fault of your own, regardless of what anyone says. You are whole and you are deserving of all things good. There may not be much good in the world, but there is greatness in you. Don't let them dull your shine.
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